hr_macgirl: (sad ipod)
what's gone wrong for me today - cut for gory details )
on the plus side: I got a nap in today. I booked a plane ticket to see my sister, brother-in-law, and the nephew for a few weeks hence (okay, I did that yesterday, but I'm struggling to come up with good things for today).

Work again tomorrow. I haven't been at work since December 24, and am not looking forward to re-entry.

Shrink first, thank goodness. There's some hell in here that needs dealing with.

Edited to add: I realize some of what has got me down today. Ten years ago today, my grandmother died. The universe felt all out of kilter, and that explains why. I miss her terribly.
hr_macgirl: (sad ipod)
my iPhone played Fiona Apple's Paper Bag for me this morning.

"crisis" of the day: I got to work and found that somewhere between home and w98, I'd dropped part of my lunch. My backpack, stuffed with rain gear, had opened slightly, and I took inventory to find one item missing.

lyrics )
hr_macgirl: (created via imagestation)
up at 0415, shower, last minute packing. Met PlanetTran driver right on time at 0500, was at Logan for 0510, through security by 0520, and tucked up in the Crown Room by 0530. Lounge membership has its benefits. I ate my breakfast while looking out at the tarmac. Surprisingly, the flight left from gate 19 (the satellite terminal), not what I'm used to. Lately, Continental flights have monopolized the satellite at Terminal A.

First flight BOS-SLC, pushed back at 0656 (6 minutes late). I was predictably asleep before takeoff, and slept until we hit cruise. I came fully prepared: three layers of clothes plus my own blanket (I don't like using anyone else's, and the ones available in coach are too thin, even when they're dirty). While I had requested an upgrade, I was 12 on the list and didn't even wait in the boarding area to see if I cleared (not with only 4 seats free). Lucky for me, I had one of three empty seats on the plane next to me, so there was a little more horizontal space, enough so I wasn't fighting with my neighbour for the armrest. The flight went by quickly enough. I watched The Queen and read Private Patient by PD James, plus did some puzzles while listening to music.

We were late into SLC and I was a little nervous about making my connection (only 25 minutes from when we hit the gate), but lucky for me the plane I was on was turning around to go to Seattle. Score! I did have to deplane while they cleaned, but it meant I didn't have to do the OJ dash through SLC airport, nor did I need to worry about my checked bag making it.

From SLC-BOS I sat in 1B. I hate bulkhead rows as a matter of course, but couldn't say no, and at least it was an upgrade. Funny story: the guy in 1A had a MacBook Pro (one rev earlier than mine) and iPhone (ditto). We looked like quite the pair. I resisted offering him technical support (but only barely!).

Upon arrival at SEA, they were setting up the area outside intl arrivals, and it soon dawned on me that they were celebrating the opening of the third runway (which had opened earlier, but this was the grand opening; I guess it's like retail!). Met up with the 'rents, drove down to Olympia. Have nice Toyota Camry rental car, and the quality almost made up for the nasty rental agent form Hertz.

online now via VZW USB modem, on Mirabile (brand new MacBook Pro). LOVE LOVE LOVE. My sister lives so far out in the boonies that she can't get cable or dsl, and what she calls "high speed" is internet via satellite, which has some kind of nasty bandwidth throttle on it. No thank you!!

More soon.
hr_macgirl: (created via imagestation)
While I was killing time yesterday I opened the pages of one of my old journals )
hr_macgirl: (sad ipod)
comic of the day )
hr_macgirl: (Default)
My adductor muscle hurt yesterday. I don't know if it was as a result of the "soft tissue massage" that the physical therapist did on Tuesday morning. Would it take two days to hurt like that? I have tried to wean down from NSAIDs, but with pain yesterday, I gave that up.

Last night I sat with ice on my adductor, but made an effort to do my PT exercises. I usually get discouraged when things are thrown in my way, but this time, I managed to reach past it. I didn't do all of the exercises, but did manage the vast majority of them.

This morning I woke up & got out of bed, afraid to put my foot on the floor. There was no pain. I've not had any pain all morning, and I am so relieved.
hr_macgirl: (sad ipod)
I'm wearing new, lighter shoes (New Balance 817, at 11.35oz they are significantly lighter than my WOC624BR bruisers). I tapered down my NSAIDs over the weekend, but my groin started hurting again this morning.

Of course now I look at the New Balance website, I see many shoes that are even lighter. Argh.

In other news, my MacPro at work is still swapping like mad (the Office 2008 applications are such PIGS compared to 2004). I ordered more RAM for it on Friday, and it should already be here. Dammit.

And it's raining.
hr_macgirl: (Default)
my yoga teacher will be having hip replacement, which will undoubtedly put her out of commission for several months. as if I needed something else to go wrong.
hr_macgirl: (Default)
As the saying goes, "Beware the Ides of March". For me, the fifteenth itself wasn't so bad, but the whole week was pretty hellish.

Friday afternoon: managed a nap, met up with [ profile] ckd for dinner.

Saturday: got up, ran errands, got soaked. Came home, put outerwear in dryer while I took a shower. Got dressed. Picked up Zipcar. Got lost in Everett. Finally managed to collect [ profile] lensedqso only about 10 minutes late. Made good time to Beffa and picked up [ profile] mdyesowitch.

After a brief stop for lunch (at Fresh City), we went to help set up for [ profile] filkergem's memorial service at his (former) Presbyterian church. I looked through the hymnal and realized just how different the prayers and songs are than those I learned growing up. The bells at the service were a beautiful reminder, and I can just imagine Greg playing along, even though he may well have been one of just two men that participated.

[ profile] ckd hopped the bus up to Burblington to attend the service, but we rode back together in the Zipcar. When we got home, I managed a (much needed) nap.

I've been making an effort to do my hip exercises all weekend, but when I woke up on Sunday my hip was sore. After my trek down to WFM, I came home and sat with an ice pack on my outer hip for a while. That didn't seem to do much, so I took a couple of naproxen. Overdoing it again, I guess.

[ profile] ckd slept in (his first sleep in since last weekend), so I went and got some lunch by myself, and then ran an errand. I was home by about 1330. It never really rained, just sort of spat little rain drops; an improvement over the rain/sleet/rain on Saturday.

This week: cramming five days of work into four days, as late Thursday, [ profile] ckd and I are off for a family trip for the weekend. Oh, and I will not wear green on Monday. The rest of the faux Irish can take part in the green-a-thon; I want nothing to do with it.
hr_macgirl: (Ski)
I ripped a couple of music DVDs yesterday to load two videos onto my iPhone. My first choice was True Faith by New Order. The video is absolutely surreal with dancing clowns, american sign language, and all sorts.

The difficulty is, after adding two videos (True Faith and Everything But The Girl's Missing), my iPhone carped that it was out of space. I tweaked some song playlists, but I still found myself with only 70 megabytes free. Dammit, I wish Apple had shipped a 16 gigabyte (or larger!) iPhone. Between my main music playlists (I don't even load my whole library) and six episodes of State of Play, there's just no room left. I can't even squeeze my podcasts in!

After fighting (fruitlessly) with iPhone, I gave up and sat in front of the television. I proceeded to erase about ten hours of TiVO content that I had saved for future viewing. I know why I did it: fear of taking up too much space. I used the TiVO as a proxy for iPhone, and as a proxy for life.

This morning, as my iPhone played Alanis "Fear of Bliss" I came to that realization about taking up space. It hasn't stopped me from that impulse (far from it), but at least I can acknowledge it.

I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do


Nov. 16th, 2007 03:49 pm
hr_macgirl: (Default)
it rained this morning and I was chilly, even with all of the heat generating equipment in my office. I figured I'd make an attempt and do something "nice" for myself: hot chocolate for morning snack.

I went over to *bucks, only to find the line out the door, in the rain. No, thank you. I next stopped by the café next door in an attempt to get milk, but the robbers wanted $1.95 for 10oz!

I had a luna bar instead.
hr_macgirl: (Default)
even though the temperatures reached over 90F yesterday, I didn't let that stop me from going to yoga. In fact, I showed up a few minutes earlier than usual, and even asked my teacher if she would enable the air conditioning (previously she had the windows open, but there was hardly any cross breeze).

During the first three classes of this session, there have been more then ten students. Before renovations that would have practically filled the place, but with some reconfiguration, it's not too bad. Last night only four of us showed up, and we had plenty of space.

I sat on the floor and stared at the walls. My dark back corner (which I did not sit in) is no longer dark enough for me, as one of the walls has been repainted a cheerful yellow. The wall opposite me was red, the colour of blood, anger, hatred, love, and energy. It didn't look so red in the full light, but now that it's dark earlier, it felt that the redness was overbearing, pressing down on me.

The yoga practice was not one of energy, but one of passive stretching, using lots of props (in the Iyengar way). I'd never done Virabhadrasana II (Warrior II) with a belt before, but it was restricting and supportive at the same time.

At the end of class, I didn't feel any less anger, blood, or hatred towards myself, nor any more love or energy. But it was a good class all the same.

bad omen

Aug. 29th, 2007 09:29 am
hr_macgirl: (Default)
I went to pack my lunch for today and the bread was growing "friends", even though it's dated as fresh through August 31.

I now have to figure out how to get some bread to have hummus on (since that's what my lunch was going to be). Grrr.
hr_macgirl: (hip injury)
I gave in. One month since injury (well, almost, injury was 06May), and I called PT and made an appointment. No, I don't have the referral yet. I'll worry about that later.

My appointment isn't for fifteen days, but I asked to be put on the cancellation list in case something comes up sooner.
hr_macgirl: (Default)
Friday: got out of work in time to have a snooze. Woke up, met [ profile] ckd for dinner, then he went boardgaming and I came home.

Saturday: went to work (by choice), not for work purposes, but to print my sister's wedding invitations. I had a grand old time nitpicking margins. After a couple of hours of productive work, I produced the invitations and reply cards. The latter were more of a challenge as I had to play with the font colour to make sure it would show up. Still to do on that project: print some inserts. I have to set up the print job with more fussy margins.

Later on Saturday we went to a social gathering that one of [ profile] ckd's workmates organized. After that, given that we had a car, we made a mad dash around the boutique a la orange, piling it high with toilet paper and other things that are impractical (or at least difficult) to haul home on the bus and/or foot. Home. Sleep.

Sunday was mostly a bust, given that it was Easter. I had things I wanted to get done, but because it was a "holiday" (I put that day in quotes because it was not a government holiday, but many businesses were closed anyways) I didn't have much luck. First choice for lunch: closed; REI: closed; infant clothing shop: closed). I did go paper shopping (and succeeded) and got one book. And then I had wanted to go to the library but figured it definitely would not be open; I later found out that it was, and now I regret not stopping by.

I've got a three day week coming up, which as usual means no less work (or fewer appointments), so it will be intense. I do intense well. Pile it on...
hr_macgirl: (Default)
In a few weeks, [ profile] ckd and I are due to travel to Washington, DC to meet his parents (who will be visiting there from overseas). I like going to DC; the museums are awesome (although some of them are just über busy and overwhelming). Favourite stops: the museum shop at SI/NASM, National Building Museum.

On a trip a couple of years ago we stayed at a hotel in Georgetown (thanks to a deal from Site 59 (which specializes in last minute travel deals and bundles flights with hotels and/or cars). There was a really neat (and tiny) store that sold used CDs. [ profile] ckd is a used CD fiend; he loves to shop for them and trawl through miles of bins in the hope of happening upon a "find". I'm not as big into CD shopping as he is, but I do occasionally like a quick browse.

While he trawled through each of the bins, one of us came across a CD Single from Alanis Morissette: Joining You. What struck me wasn't (just) the title, but the fact that the CD single had a "melancholy mix" of the title song. I've been a fan of Alanis' music since Jagged Little Pill in 1995. Between that, and that I can tend towards "melancholy" myself, I figured I'd throw it on the purchase pile.

over the past few days )

Even if we don't get to Georgetown and search through the music bins again, can I let myself think as Alanis does, honestly? why is it so hard to be objective about myself? In so many ways I don't feel like I am mumble slur years old. Will I ever feel "appropriately" old? Perhaps the better word is "mature": appropriately mature. It's not (as much) to do with chronological age as it is with feeling like I haven't made sufficient "progress" towards life goals that I should have reached by now.
hr_macgirl: (Default)
getting away is always an opportunity to take time for introspection. Now whether I will take advantage of that opportunity or not is another question entirely. So far it hasn't happened. About the only time I let myself think is when I have my iPod on, when I'm out walking the dog. That very same iPod played Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" for me today. In the version on The Dance, Stevie Nicks starts out with the line this is for you, daddy.

For myself, I have come to see the questions in the song not those to ask of others, but to ask of myself. can the child within my heart rise above? Nobody can answer the questions for me. I hate that, I hate not having answers. I'm very uncomfortable with the unknown.

Over the past few days I've also come to the realization of structure in my life. Ever since I was tiny, I craved structure: habits were familiar, and the clock reinforced all habits. Now that for the most part I don't have an externally-imposed structure, I have to invent one to get the comfort I (feel that I) need. That's even more apparent when I'm here, away from work and away from my home-induced schedule. The first thing I did when I arrived at my parents' was to devise a schedule for myself that would include dog walks, yoga, and other items that I might (want/like to) do. As I look at that schedule there is no room for "fun". Sure, there's "down time", but that's not the same, and it only comes after all other tasks have been completed, and/or when there's a (small) hole in the schedule that can't be filled any other way (e.g. this morning after breakfast but before we could go to the park. It was too dark to leave the house, so I put on a DVD for a few minutes).

I don't know what makes me have such a difficult time when faced with the opportunity to enjoy myself. And I don't know why that task seems so much more daunting this trip than last April's trip. It would be easy to blame part of it on Toby. He seemed much more carefree last year. For whatever reason (and I suspect some of it is weather), he is much less interested in enjoying himself for the sake of it. I feel that his reluctance is a good excuse for me to not stretch out at all. Not that I needed much of an excuse, mind you.
hr_macgirl: (sad ipod)
my regular yoga teacher is away and won't be back until 11 Sept. My shrink is also away. I don't suppose it's reasonable for me to ask them not to be gone at the same time, is it? Didn't think so...

I've started leaving the house in the (near) dark again. Slinking along in the shadows while the few cars on the road drive by with their headlights on. And I haven't had the windows open downstairs in the house for a week or so because it's (relatively) chilly. The cold is comforting, just like the darkness. And it will only get worse from here.


hr_macgirl: (Default)

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